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I Would Tell Him
by Sonya Lowe

Life can be so strange at times. So strange that it’s scary for me. A couple of months ago I ran into an old friend and was so proud of who he had become. He had certainly turned out to be an amazing man in all aspects. For me, there was an instantaneous attraction; one that I didn’t want to talk about until now.

You see, I purposely swore off men to focus on my book and my career so there hasn’t been a real “needapostrophe to be attracted to a man – nice or not. For me, the theory behind this is not to lose focus of me in my life and start doing the “heapostrophe in my life. Either way, we exchange numbers and about a week later, I hear from him. It was a simple, casual conversation re-capping the good old days.

Since then there have been numerous conversations and we see each other on a fairly regular basis. I eagerly await his visits and anticipate the ways that I can make him smile; for me, the attraction is stronger than ever. I have rehearsed how I would tell him just how I feel and what I would like to happen between the two of us. But when I have the opportunity, I never can get my mouth to say what my heart is feeling. Have you ever been there? I don’t want my advances to be rejected and certainly wouldn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. He thinks we’re friends. Male-female relationships can be so hard.

If I could only tell him how I feel, this is what I would say…

How do I start? Where do I begin? I don’t want to just sit by and allow you to think I’m here just to be a friend. If I have to be stuck in the friend category, please let our friendship be a special one; one that you can’t do without. I’ve been hurt so much in the past, so understand the emotional risk that I’m taking to express myself like this. I’m saying these things to you because I don’t want to look back and question what could have been.

I would make it a point to mention to him that he makes me goofy…

I feel so silly when I sit alone thinking about you, knowing that I should tell you how I feel when we are face to face. I will never make you pay for what the man before you has done. If you give your heart to me, I will gently tuck it away for safe keeping. I will hold you tight in the good and the bad times and extend myself to make ANY time OUR time. I will always be patient and kind because that’s what friends do. I will never stop at one-hundred percent because you deserve so much more of me.

I would be honest about what I know about myself – the good and the bad…

I know that I don’t do well with compromise, it’s just a problem I have, but I don’t think I should really have to compromise with you. I quickly resort to closure when I feel uncertain; I haven’t learned how to open up and expose myself in times of insecurity. I’m non-confrontational but sometimes I have to use that side of myself to get your attention. I need you to listen to me even when you think my thoughts and ideas are extreme. In my marriage, submission didn’t present a good example – how do you be submissive to ideas that are not in your best interest and make you feel insecure with yourself and your creator? I’m childlike in a sense because I hurt very easily which makes me be harder on myself. I will take on your life, even those things that don’t necessarily compliment or encourage mine – this is what I will do for you. I frequently make the mistake of not humbling myself to life and its plans and the result in normally very long days and nights. I want you to see me as the perfect woman but you have to understand that my flaws are endless. I am surely not without sin but I promise I will never be jealous, selfish or unkind as long as you never ask me, under any circumstances, to be blind.

I would tell him that I need him…

I’ve never had to do this before. You know, show the side me that is vulnerable and at the mercy of a man; this is the side that I am very protective of. I do want to love again; I do want to trust again; I do want to believe again – these are all the things my heart will do for you but my mind has serious doubts. I don’t know what it is but its driving me crazy. It’s something about your warm smile. It’s something about your gentle touch. It’s the passion I see in your eyes. It’s the sincerity that comes through our conversations that makes me want you to be so much more than a friend.

I would say something to let him know that I deeply care about him…

I will silently surrender my heart to you and fall in love with all your colors, moods and dreams. I will pray that the Lord will make our hearts strong to weather the many storms that are sure to come our way. I will embrace your wonderful mind and hold close all the things that make you who you are. I will never go to sleep without praying for you – for your safe return to my arms. I will pray that your dreams will become realities. I will pray harder for you than I do for myself!

…I would tell him what my heart is feeling right now. All these things I would tell him to let him know that love is not boastful or loud; sometimes it’s not obvious or understandable. Unfortunately for me, I’m just not that liberated to actually say all the things to a man ~ this man in particularly ~ that perhaps I should. I think I will wait patiently to see if he ever feels the way I do because that’s what friends do. That’s my course of action. Either way, he will always be my friend and hold a very special place in my heart. We’ll be all right.

As always, love somebody today because tomorrow is not promised. Remember that with love comes responsibility.

About the author:

Sonya Lowe is a Los Angeles Author, who writes to empower women everywhere by bringing humor to the painful truth that exists in male-female relationships. Her new book, Work in Progress, is available at online retailers, such as Amazon.com; Target.com and Lulu.com, as well as stores near you. Contact information by email info@realityworkspublishing.net or visit her website; www.sonyalowe.com.